Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Finding Balance?

This week I put the cheese away in the freezer on accident and put Lukes's pants on Clay without even realizing it until they were on. 

These days are exhausting, but so happy too. I'm struggling finding my balance though. 

My brain is always jumping from one thing to the other and never really doing or finishing anything properly. 

It's like, 'lay right here, forget everything else be in the moment.' But also: hang the laundry, clean up the breakfast mess, get everyone ready, submit order, make the bed. 

What's for dinner tonight? We don’t have that ingredient. Dangit. What else? Hum.

Finish Clay's paperwork...should we do the scheduled vaccines with this chaos?... it can wait right?....

Figure out how to do young women's online and send that zoom link. It’s Wednesday today. I got to send it now, before I forget again. 

We need to buy more garbage bags. 

Did I respond to that email? Need to do that.... 

Crap, Luke needs to go potty and Clay is still latched. Lift Luke one armed still nursing Clay. Skills. 

I should call a sibling... it’s been awhile, oh wait, it’s 3pm here, too late again and everyone is asleep....

Start a class, get interrupted, never finish it, start something else. Never finish. 

Come Follow Me. Read scripture. Finish reading. What did I just read? Guilt.

Baby spit up on clothes....  but behind on laundry... decide to not change and wear clothes. It will happen again anyways today. Makeup today? Meh. 

Everyone is asleep, stay up and have some ‘quiet time’ and do art or something for myself. Loose track of time and go to bed late.... wake up three times before morning to nurse Clay. Regret staying up.

My brain literally jumps around allll day and unable to commit to one thing at a time. At the end of the day feeing like I got absolute nothing accomplished and the guilt doing everything halfway. Like, playing all day with Luke, but occupied with something else. Doing everything and doing nothing.

 I keep trying to adjust my expectations. I feel with just Luke, I would get behind and catch up and things would settle for a bit. With two kids, I feel like I never get caught up and have so many desires and things pulling every direction and wish I never had to sleep but need sleep more than ever. It’s a constant juggle and haven’t really figured out balance yet. Also, just feel dumb talking about it because so many parents have more kids and careers they are managing. 

Just a lot of thoughts and distractions and interruptions. I’m not sure the solution, or if there is one. Satan’s biggest tool in my life for sure right now is distractions and trying to figure out how to balance, lots of really good things but what’s most important and putting off my selfish desires. Always reminding myself, everyone is well fed and very loved and that’s something and matters. 

Update...after writing all this last night and posting, I woke up to Clay hungry and full of smiles at 5am with no chance of sleep (he’s so so cute in the mornings). Decided to get up and bike with him in carrier and read scriptures to stay alert and came across this verse and was so fitting. “See that all these things are done in wisdom and order. . . all things must be done in order.”

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