Monday, December 23, 2019

Dear Luke

Dear Luke,

Today you came and curled up next to me. I was sitting on the couch and you said you wanted to sleep and laid against my belly and just closed your eyes. You never nap, so this is very rare. Now, you are in my arms fast asleep, and I can’t seem to get up and move you to bed and just want to hold you forever.

This next month will bring a lot of change. I look down at you and my growing belly (with your soon-to-be-born brother inside) and think about how different our lives are about to be when he arrives. For the past 31 months, its just been the two of us during the day and been the happiest days, I love being a mom! I’m so, so excited for your brother and for you to have a buddy to play with... but also think of how much I will miss these simpler days. Our life lately is full of games, dance parties on the 6X4 foot rug in our living room, playing “cars,” cooking together, dishes together, walks everywhere doing errands, and your beloved park sessions.

As your brother’s due date approaches, I can’t help but reflect on your birth and get anxiety thinking about doing it again. Your dad describes it as a ‘scene from an intense movie,’ I really do think I have some PTSD from it... over a week long of inducing and dressed up ready for the emergency c-section and then at the final moments you come down and the Japanese nurse telling me “no voice, just push!” Then you arrive and I didn’t hold you for days, you spent the first two weeks in the NICU. I knew everything was going to be okay, but feels like a bad dream.

I look at you though, and even as that baby in the NICU, and am so full of love and would do it over and over again for you and more than worth it. That brings me comfort now.

Our life is about to change little buddy! But I read a quote somewhere that said: “You WILL love them the same, despite your fear. Your heart doesn’t split, but doubles in size.”

I love you so much Luke! You say the funniest things all day long, and constantly bringing a smile to my face. I hope you know that and will never stop loving you. You are stirring now in sleep, and I'm ready to make the most of these last days together as 'an only child.' 


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